Here we go again! Special times x

So, Ben has 2 feet and 20 pairs of trainers.  So that means that each pair of trainers gets worn on average 18 times per year.  I am assuming he had very little  growth as my maths won't take me that far!

So, he is away for 10 days.  6 pairs taken!! 

As he loves his trainers, there is only one place to safely tuck his money inside!

My rationale is, he won't lose a trainer, so he won't lose his dollars!

We sat on his bedroom floor a few days ago and went through every item that he was taking.  What he should wear and when.  We discussed items that needed hanging up.  And where his flipping money was hidden!

Why did I waste my energy?  Not only did we go through it over and over but we made sure that the money was in the bright green trainer.

So tonight, a few messages from the nurse who is Ben's chaperone, to tell me he can't find his grey trainers.  You know the ones with the money in!  

Flipping heck!  Grey ones?  They are in my machine, being fumigated, green ones are in the case!!  He did not remember!!

It's very strange here without him.  I am sort of twitched but relaxed at the same time. It is refreshing not to hear the dulcet tone of Mum being called 15 times before School.  Not to smell that testosterone and not to hear that weird banging vibration that Ben explains as music! It is refreshing not to tidy and clean for hours each night.   Quite frankly, it is lovely.!

You don't realise how much you do until you aren't doing it!

That doesn't mean I don't check my phone every 2 minutes and think about Ben constantly,  but the space is actually a great thing.  I hope.

I may be just speaking for me as I haven't been able to speak to him at all since he went. I the trip.

That's the rules. 

Since Sunday, Ben has been to Magic kingdom, Universal Studios, universal, Sea-world., water parks, visits from NASA. They have had an open mic night and Christmas Day!  

What an experience? Check out Dreamflight on Facebook., both Dreamflight UK and USA.  What an amazing charity. 

My beautiful boy.   When Dreamflight posted some pictures tonight, I saw you, looked at you and my heart ached.

There you were, ready to swim with the dolphins.

I have been waiting to hear about this moment.  Dolphins know.  Don't they?  They can tell if you are sick,  they have a special sense?

What did the dolphin do when he/she met you my darling?  Did it brush you aside and move on to the really sick kids or did it sense that you are a walking dormant volcano?  The former, I hope.

I saw your picture today and you looked amazing.  I have waited, as have many, to see your beautiful face.  To try to read what you are thinking.  I know.  I know that you feel lucky.  Your are.  Your are lucky that you are well.  I bet you have made friends with so many people that might not be as lucky as you?  I know.  I know that your inspiration and kindness is something that others will benefit from.  You are special. But.  You know that.  How many people root for you?  How many people have followed your journey these last 10 days? 

You won't truly get it yet.  But one day you will .  You will realise that having cancer is so life-changing, so terrible, but so purposeful.  You had a dreadful thing happen to you, but with it have been so many positives.  This trip being one.

I bet when we chat next week about your experiences, that you tell me about the children that needed help,  that they have Hickman lines and are fed through tubes.  I bet you tell me about the sickness, the pain, the drain and the fear that these kids have.  How this trip took away some of that, even for just a moment.  

I bet you don't remember that that was you?

I do.

I bet you don't remember how very poorly you were, how there were times that I thought I would wake up without you.  How your symptoms were so out of control that I could have screamed and not stopped.

I remember.

I think about it every day.  I hope never to experience it ever, ever again.

Being apart from you has been very interesting!  It has been relaxing, quiet, much needed and nice!

Being apart from you has been the hardest thing ever, quiet, not wanted, too quiet, and not nice!!

I love you son.  I love what you were, what you have become.  I love that people find you inspirational. After all, that's why you are on this trip.  You were nominated by your amazing community nurse because you showed strength when strength was impossible.  You were hopeful when there wasn't hope and you were never defeated.

You are amazing.  Your strength inspires me and so many others. 

Tuesday you will come home.  You know that your best friends mummy is sick.  You know she isn't going to be with us for very long now.  You know how he supported you through your journey.  You know that he saw you so very very sick.  He probably thinks that mummy will get better, like you did.  Darling, she won't.  She won't be with him for long now darling. 

She is very poorly.  Our lovely friend.  But you will help her boys.  Your positivity will be there. You will guide them .

Life is what you make it.  You never got to choose and she didn't either.  

They have had a short and traumatic journey, you have too.  

You didn't choose it and I didn't either but if I could have, it wouldn't have been different. 

If I had to choose my darling, it wouldn't  be any different,

Everything happens for a reason.

So for now, I look forward to Tuesday.  For our selfishness of being together again.  I look forward to the day that our friend find peace.  

One day they will.

Ben, everyone.

Thank you for always being there.

Goodnight.

The Carters xx

Sent from my iPhone