40 hours to go!

When you are nursing people it is important, really important for you to build an immediate rapport. You need your patient to trust you 100 percent. It helps them. They feel safe. Well, safer anyway.
Some people you build better relationships with. Some you never forget for one reason or another. Some change you. Some you change. Mostly and hopefully for the better.
For some, it is more difficult. Like in life, generally.
Sometimes you just meet people that you will never gel with, that you will never feel a special connection with, but your professionalism and humanitarian approach sees the relationship do what it needs to.
In life we have many choices, we choose our friends, our paths, our direction.
When you are a nurse, you can't choose your patient. When you are a patient, you have some degree of choice. Unless that nurse happens to be your mother! Or your father! Or in fact your sister!!
My mum believes that before life your are given a choice. This is your path. This is what you get. Do you want it, or not?
I think that sometimes this helps the mind deal with the fact that sometimes life is tough but in the whole, I can't really believe that given a choice, some people would choose the hand they are given.
Ben might have chosen his though. Especially if he could have seen that by this point he would feel like he does today. His eyes are so bright. His skin has lost the grey pigmentation. He is no longer as rude or vile or sad. He is today better than I can remember him being. Almost EVER.
You see, you forget.
When your child is slightly improved it is a huge hurdle. They are well. But they aren't, not really. You just want them to be.
But when they are sick, so very very poorly, you forget.
You forget what it was like to see them running around, laughing and playing. You just will for them to do more, a little bit more than just exist.
And today he does.
So, our journey here is ending, and in fact the whole ordeal is nearing its course. And now, for the first time, we have established our nurse/patient rapport.
Ben and me.
Now he trusts me. He trusts that what I suggest will help. No arguing, no fuss.
He just knows. He knows that I know.
I know why, why he has decided to trust me now. You can't tell people to trust you. You have to earn it. I reckon I have. There have been times where I have nursed this kid night and day. You do, of course. It is your child. Unconditional love.
Last night we visited one of our new friends who is in hospital. She has been in hospital most of her time here. She has got 10 more proton sessions left and 2 chemo sessions. She is poorly. Very poorly.
She is due to fly home on May 6th. She can't go, not yet.
Her treatment keeps getting postponed because she is unwell. Her journey is long , it is miserable. It is draining.
For the first time since this began for us we have been able to give just a little back. Not a lot. Just a little.
Our presence was enough to lift her and her mums spirits, just a little bit and we were able to take a few things too. Little things.
In Chloe's words "special things to make her happy." I hope we did.
You see, when you are unwell, you can't be bothered to listen. You are afraid. You hurt. Everywhere. We can't understand it, not really.
But these guys do. Those going through it, get it. They understand each other. They share common ground.
You could tell when she saw Ben, that that was who she wanted to see.
Not to listen to me and my encouragement,or Dean and his sympathetic ear.
She needed to see the light at the end of her tunnel. That was Ben.
Whilst her neck was breaking down terribly and her swallowing near to non existent. Her pain, her fever, her depression. She needed to see someone who had done it. And for that moment, it was Ben.
He showed off his neck with no marks or scars. He told her how he was still fed through his peg but was eating small amounts and he told her she could do it. She could make it.
She will.
She has to, she has no choice.
So when we left there, Ben knew.
He knew, how bad it could have been. He could see how far he has come and he knew that things could have been so much worse. He is glad he let me nurse him.
Today, he feels lucky. We all do.
So as we get closer and closer to seeing you, our emotions are swinging again. Ben goes from desperate to see his friends and get back to school to wanting to stay here longer.
He doesn't really want to stay, not really, but as he feels better each day, and we realise how much more we could do here, we become sad at our imminent departure.
Dean has wanted to leave from about week 2! Mainly to get back to work as well as to distance himself from the immense responsibility that this journey brings.
I understand that.
Chloe misses her friends. She talks about home every day.
Me? Well, I don't know really. I didn't want to come. The US has never appealed to me. I don't like distance and I certainly don't like change.
But I have done it and enjoyed the good bits, and dealt with the not so good. But it has changed the way I think. If someone told me tomorrow that my next mission was to the North Pole to get Ben well, then my ski gloves would replace the yellow swim suit!
I am settled here in my routine, with my little family. We are all safe, all together. But it isn't real is it? Not really.
I have started to dither. Will I be ready? Can I get packed in time? Will we make our connection ?
But I don't care, not really.
Today I had to pack and get organised. It is amazing how much rubbish you can accumulate in just short of three months! We then ran out of space. I went to buy a new suitcase and then we took a drive.
Some new friends, a while ago had recommended a nice seafood and exotic grill.
It was brilliant.
Set in a creek which led to St John's River.
Idyllic.
Turtles swimming, bull frogs croaking and alligators preying. The kids loved it.
We had a great meal which was topped off again, by a generous and anonymous stranger paying our bill!
You will remember that this has happened a few times now. We never know who it is. They are not part of the starers. They don't make themselves known.
They are just generous and kind.
We have no idea who you are, but we thank you.
So, Ben can't look quite as well as I think he does can he?
If he did, then would people feel for us in the same way?
I assume it's because they know he has cancer?
Or maybe they hear our accents and just love the British people!
You can tell yourself whatever you want and whatever makes it easier for you is just fine.
So 40 hours to go now until we leave. I often think about the things I will miss here in Jacksonville.
The sunshine, the people, the ocean, exploring, new things, new sights, new activities, fresh air, the fast cycle of the washing machine, the supermarket and its neatness, kind and helpful staff, customer services in general, the dollar store, Amelia island, snow crab, less cleaning, spending time with the children.
I often think about the things I won't miss!
Spending time with the children, living in a cramped apartment with nothing to clean, high cholesterol due to excessive crab eating, spending on rubbish at the dollar store, everyone wishing me a nice day, feeling the need to explore things and go out all the time, excessive sunshine!
And of course I have a lot to look forward to.
Seeing y'all, eating Jacobs cream crackers, dieting, my bed, my pug, work, sleeping without 4 in a bed, gravy, cold tiles on my feet, not being hot, having my hair done, watching Emmerdale, John Lewis, my car, walking, the air, the crisp mornings, talking on the telephone!
The list isn't exhaustive but it gives you a taster!
So we are counting down the hours now. There is nothing left to achieve her. Our new challenges and goals await us at home.
So as we get closer to seeing you we continue to be grateful for your love and support.
You know we couldn't have done this without you.
So from the Carters goodnight. We are coming home soon xx



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